It seems as though I've always been, somebody outside looking in, well here I am for all of them to bleed, they'll never know the real me....

Seeing what this "blog mobile" feature is really all about. This might be both exciting and dangerous...... Drunk blogging?! Oh Lord... I see disasters.

Barbie Doll

This girlchild was born as usual
and presented dolls that did pee-pee
and miniature GE stoves and irons
and wee lipsticks the color of cherry candy.
Then in the magic of puberty, a classmate said:
You have a great big nose and fat legs.

She was healthy, tested intelligent,
possessed strong arms and back,
abundant sexual drive and manual dexterity.
She went to and fro apologizing.
Everyone saw a fat nose on thick legs.

She was advised to play coy,
exhorted to come on hearty,
exercise, diet, smile and wheedle.
Her good nature wore out
like a fan belt.
So she cut off her nose and her legs
and offered them up.

In the casket displayed on satin she lay
with the undertaker's cosmetics painted on,
a turned-up putty nose,
dressed in a pink and white nightie.
Doesn't she look pretty everyone said.
Consummation at last.
To every woman a happy ending.

My first class of my first quarter in college was Women's Literature. I drove from my parent's house every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to attend class at Seattle Pacific University. It was so awkward arriving to a school where I knew no one. I remember how awful parking was and how on my second day I all but had a panic attack trying to find a spot to park. Not knowing a single soul at this school gave me one hundred and ten reasons not to show up... but then one day we were given an assignment. Pick a poem out of our book and dissect it. I chose "Barbie Doll" by Marge Piercy, how fitting I thought. Anything having to do with self image and the pressure of society seemed to be right up my ally. I knocked my paper out of the park, I couldn't say enough about this poem and how it made me feel. From that day on I had a reason to show up to class. I had found something that inspired me. It gave me confidence to reach out to classmates and confidence to walk around campus with the feeling of "THIS IS WHERE I BELONG." To this day, this is a poem that I still remember, still adore, and still relate to.

Impossibly, Possible..

Some things just seem like the impossible. Like there is no way in God's great earth that it can be done. I want to make the impossible, possible. I want to focus all of my attention and hard work towards something that I feel or have felt is impossible.

Here is my list of impossible possibilities:

1. Mend a broken or damaged heart WITHOUT using a new relationship as a band-aide
2. Lose weight in a self esteem boosting way (i.e. no eating disorders, quick fix pills)
3. Date like a man (i.e. have fun, don't take things too seriously, don't become attached)
4. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forget. Forget. Forget.
5. Make a goal, stick to it, see my goal through and reap its rewards
6. Quit swearing.
7. Replace one BAD habit, with one GOOD habit
8. See the beauty in ugly
9. Stop trying to figure out "the plan" learn to enjoy the ride
10. Remember this list, remember the motivation behind it. Start today.

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Knowin' someone else wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.

Then all that disappears.