One Hundred and One

"Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

you're far too kind. Hold your applause, this is your song, not mine."

I'm Thankful for:

1. itunes and ipod
2. old friends, new friends, ex-friends, best friends
3. being Italian
4. my family
5. past, preset, and future veterans of the U.S. military
6. being a blond, yet having the ability to dye my hair brunette
7. hoodies and sweaties
8. animals, especially black labs and my crazy cats
9. my freedom
10. lessons i've learned over the last 26 years
11. water and sunshine
12. ritalin, 54 mg
13. this number and the fact that it's always been nothing but lucky for me
14. concerts, live music
15. beer, cheap beer
16. Col. William H. Walker II, and the lessons I was fortunate to learn from him
17. love, whether it's for me or love that I witness and admire in others
18. God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, St. Peter, St. Tony, the whole crew
19. curly hair and straight hair
20. my parents
21. the ability to still appreciate the small things in this world
22. goosebumps over special moments
23. my condo, my car, my materialistic items
24. my aunt dina aka weenie and uncle crusty aka russ
25. my blackberry and the endless hours of entertainment it provides me
26. ray lamontagne, damien rice, jonathan radin, james morrison and their amazingness
27. pizza pie
28. my job, my customers, my office family aka office boys
29. Mia Sutich
30. NOT being 30 and NOT being 20
31. M-O-N-E-Y
32. my awesome memory
33. cousins, even if half of them have NO idea who I am
34. being single in my twenties and finally understanding what it's all about
35. my st. francis medal, st. christopher medal and my diamond cross
36. sleep
37. VOGA wine, wine in general
38. being a washintonian at heart but craving a life in the sun
39. my roots
40. my 2 amazing Grandma's and all that they have taught me
41. Great Grandpa Jaspera Nigro and the life he was able to give my Dad
42. aunt nikki, uncle clark, hippie child and beauy.
43. creativity
44. my height, I love being low to the ground
45. my education and the freedom that came with it
46. movies, especially war/mafia/comedy
47. Lake Chelan
48. the ability to relax
49. history
50. pictures/cameras
51. essie and opi nail polish
52. a good tan
53. a good sense of humor and SARCASM
54. the way I was raised
55. tom petty and the heartbreakers
56. dancing
57. seasons
58. MAUI
59. butterflies, the insect and the feeling
60. a hot shower
61. my bed and my p'lows
62. poetry, lyrics, stories
63. THE GOP
64. knowing my 2 Grandpa's before they passed
65. chapstick aka lippy
66. the language my Sister and I have created
67. my health, my safety
68. boys
69. having A.D.D.
70. hole in the wall pubs/bars/restaurants
71. music from my Dad's generation
72. treadmills, elliptical, gym in general
73. true religion jeans
74. SEAHAWK FOOTBALL
75. confetti cake cupcakes
76. slippers and a fire in the fireplace
77. Chantelle underwear and bras
78. MAC makeup and good perfume, currently DKNY be.delicious
79. GAIN laundry detergent
80. knowing how to cook, and choosing not to
81. FLIP FLOPS and tan toes
82. having blue eyes, only because its now rare
83. role models and mentors
84. "adopted" family
85. swimming, boating
86. uggs
87. forgiveness
88. faith
89. snow
90. my car and the fact that it runs
91. hugs, kisses and cuddles
92. getting a fresh start everyday
93. tropical destinations to daydream about to keep me sane
94. inside jokes
95. my strength as an individual, and my ability to love and care for others
96. the abundance of support I've always had from those around me
97. Serin Compton and her sense of humor and her loyalty as a friend
98. New York and all of it's glory
99. Michelle Cassie Evanson and the history of our friendship
100. the holiday season and Christmas music and lights
101. the ability to recognize how fortunate I am, and thank those around me

TwentySix

happened.

What kind of gone are we talking about here?

I've been waiting until I'm really able to put into words how I'm feeling.. and as I wait, I'm beginning to realize that there will never be a "right time" to analyze my feelings. It will always be something that hurts beyond words. Something that literally stops my heart from it's usual rhythm and makes it skip a few beats.

DEATH.

How do I describe what it feels like to lose someone? How can I put into words the anger and hate I have towards something that isn't in my control? I can't. I feel defeated, helpless, hopeless and hurting.

It's been three weeks since Sunday October 11th. The Seahawks won, I took a date to the game, it was sunny, I was happy and then I got a text that he died. He died early in the am, the only warning was a bird flew into his house. An old wives tale says that death to a family member is near when a bird flies into your house. Well... one flew in and I'd like to think, led him to the gates of heaven. I keep waiting for the grieving to take on a different form, it feels like I've been angry for SO LONG. I know there are other steps in letting go, but I just haven't left the anger phase.

This weekend we will celebrate his life. I don't know how to act at a celebration of life. Do I treat it as a funeral? His buriel won't be until the 7th of December... in Arlington, VA. He really was something, wasn't he? What an accomplishment, what an honor, what a peaceful place to be laid to rest.

As the seasons change and the holidays approach I'm finding it even MORE difficult to imagine him not being here. I'll miss his holiday cider at the office Christmas party, his "surprise" birthday party he throws for me every year, his Christmas tie that he wears to the Seattle Yacht Club Christmas gala, him nagging on me and my gift wrapping skills, the stories he has of making his TWO Turkeys for Thanksgiving, his annual Sees candy box, the way he'd stress out over the parking lot and unwanted visitors abusing it, his early AM calls to ask me to kindly put out the McAusland PARKING ONLY signs, the way he'd proudly show off what jewelry he had custom made for the ladies in his life, HIM. Everything about him. That North Carolina twang, and the way he always called me "baby."

I miss him.

Newest Obsession

I want a "Silver" lab. I stumbled upon pics of a silver lab today and I'm obsessed! How unbelievably adorable is she? I love the name Luna. If I get a house, I will most definitely be getting a lab.