Thursday, October 29, 2009

What kind of gone are we talking about here?

I've been waiting until I'm really able to put into words how I'm feeling.. and as I wait, I'm beginning to realize that there will never be a "right time" to analyze my feelings. It will always be something that hurts beyond words. Something that literally stops my heart from it's usual rhythm and makes it skip a few beats.


How do I describe what it feels like to lose someone? How can I put into words the anger and hate I have towards something that isn't in my control? I can't. I feel defeated, helpless, hopeless and hurting.

It's been three weeks since Sunday October 11th. The Seahawks won, I took a date to the game, it was sunny, I was happy and then I got a text that he died. He died early in the am, the only warning was a bird flew into his house. An old wives tale says that death to a family member is near when a bird flies into your house. Well... one flew in and I'd like to think, led him to the gates of heaven. I keep waiting for the grieving to take on a different form, it feels like I've been angry for SO LONG. I know there are other steps in letting go, but I just haven't left the anger phase.

This weekend we will celebrate his life. I don't know how to act at a celebration of life. Do I treat it as a funeral? His buriel won't be until the 7th of December... in Arlington, VA. He really was something, wasn't he? What an accomplishment, what an honor, what a peaceful place to be laid to rest.

As the seasons change and the holidays approach I'm finding it even MORE difficult to imagine him not being here. I'll miss his holiday cider at the office Christmas party, his "surprise" birthday party he throws for me every year, his Christmas tie that he wears to the Seattle Yacht Club Christmas gala, him nagging on me and my gift wrapping skills, the stories he has of making his TWO Turkeys for Thanksgiving, his annual Sees candy box, the way he'd stress out over the parking lot and unwanted visitors abusing it, his early AM calls to ask me to kindly put out the McAusland PARKING ONLY signs, the way he'd proudly show off what jewelry he had custom made for the ladies in his life, HIM. Everything about him. That North Carolina twang, and the way he always called me "baby."

I miss him.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Newest Obsession

I want a "Silver" lab. I stumbled upon pics of a silver lab today and I'm obsessed! How unbelievably adorable is she? I love the name Luna. If I get a house, I will most definitely be getting a lab.

Friday, October 23, 2009


My Sissy is ALMOST home!

I'm literally counting down the days like a child counts down the days till Santa arrives (well I'm doing that as well). I cannot believe all that has happened in the 2 1/2 - 3 months that she has been gone. I feel like I'll need to lock myself in a room or car with her for at least a week just to catch up. I am so proud of her for sticking it out and for doing something that SHE wanted to do.

November 16th can not come quick enough! Hey YO Sis!

Lesson Learned...

Well the truth it fell so heavy
Like a hammer through the room
That I could choose another over her
You always said I was an actor, baby
Guess in truth you thought me just amateur

That you never saw the signs
That you never lost your grip

Oh, come on now
That's such a childish claim
Now I wear the brand of traitor
Don't it seem a bit absurd
When it's clear I was so obviously framed
When it's clear I was so obviously framed

Now you act so surprised
To hear what you already know
And all you really had to do was ask
I'd have told you straight away
All those lies were truth
And all that was false was fact

Now you hold me close and hard
But I was like a statue at most
Refusing to acknowledge you'd been hurt
Now you're clawing at my throat
And you're crying all is lost

But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt
But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt

Well the truth it fell so heavy
Like a hammer through the room
That I could choose another over her
You always said I was an actor, baby
Guess in truth you thought me just amateur

Was it you who told me once
Now looking back it seems surreal
That all our mistakes are merely grist for the mill
So why is it now after I had my fill
Would you steal from me the sorrow that I've earned
Shall we call this a lesson learned?
Shall we call this a lesson learned?

I hate that the most powerful lessons we learn are those that are forced upon us. I just wish things would be easy for once. That a heart could love another without that devastating pain of reality kicking in.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's the simple things...

"She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows
With her bare feet laughing"

Ray LaMontagne - Empty

Oh yeah.

Life got busy. I forgot to post these. Official Season Ticket Holder blankets.

Goodbye Flips

It's fall. It's so unbelievably fall. I love this season and I hate it all the same. I love the color change, the fresh and crisp air, and football. I hate having to put my flip flops and freckles into storage; I have the hardest time letting go of the things that make me happy. Yes I might be a bit shallow to admit that flip flops (plastic sandals) and tanned skin and freckles make me happy, but it's the truth.

I cringe at the thought of socks, turtlenecks and pale skin. How could that excite me? Everyone's argument for fall always includes pumpkins. PUMPKINS. What the hell am I gonna do with a pumpkin? I'm not allowed to play with knives - and I hate Halloween. (yeah I said it)

To avoid the gasp that I traditionally make towards the end of October when I realize my skin matches the pale tone of my hair; I died it an Auburn/Brown. So far, I have no complaints..... I've also purchased an elaborate tanning package :) skin cancer my ass! I look quite odd waddling in the rain with my jeans rolled up, my plastic flip flops on and a scarf, North face and umbrella in tow. Regardless, I make it work.

The Fall also brings to my attention that I am about to turn 1 year older. Woohoo bring on the late twenties! 26! twenty-fucking-six. Nov. 13th - I can guarantee I'll be tan, wearing flip flops and nowhere near a pumpkin.

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Every year around my birthday I sit and I ponder what I've accomplished during that year. I never write anything down. I hardly even remember what happened throughout the year so it makes my "review" pretty pointless. Well this year.. 25... I have some shit to remember and reflect on.


My birthday was EPIC. I was able to celebrate TWICE. My sister, parents and Grandma all got together with me on my actual birthday and prepared all of my favorite dishes, including my favorite confetti cake cupcakes. It was amazing. I got diamond earrings from my parents and a new camera from Sissy. The next day I arrived at work to find an "e-vite" in my email inbox. It was a surprise dinner with my ENTIRE family at a little Italian restaurant in Seattle. I was so shocked and so excited I could hardly stand it. We went to DeNunzio's where the owner (straight off the boat) served us his favorites and kept the vino flowing. I'm pretty sure it was a night that everyone enjoyed and will remember. After we closed the restaurant down, we headed to the Frontier Room for some late night dancing. Things got wild, sweaty and overall hilarious. I ended up dancing without my shoes, my Dad kept trying to take his shirt off and my Sister, Mom and Uncle got in a fight with the bouncer. Nothing says "HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY" like getting thrown out of a bar. 25 started off with a BANG

I'll blow through the holiday season since nothing extremely out of the ordinary happened.

I guess the most important things took place starting in the Spring and continuing through the Fall. Let me break it down for the sake of my sanity.. and yours. Whoever "you" might be. (In no particular order)

I scored floor seats to the Kenny Chesney concert, saw a band I've loved since Junior High (Montgomery Gentry)
Sutich Sisters went to Maui (kicked Maui's ass)
I spent an abundance of time laying by my pool (more time than in Chelan)
Sissy moved out of Nani and Papa's condo
The condo sold.
Mika almost died when we got back from Maui
I went to 3 Mariners games and 9 Seahawks games + 3 from the '08 season
I became a SEAHAWKS SEASON TICKET HOLDER.. and I have awesome seats *Thanks Pops
I only went to Chelan 4 times, the least amount of time I've ever spent in Chelan since owning a place
Reconnected with long lost friends and/or people I thought I was friends with even though they didn't (cough cough Tucker cough cough)
I joined a gym, and made it my routine
Died my hair dark, twice.
Survived aka surviving Sissy being away from me (she's currently in Italia)
I started dating again.... so far... I haven't ruined anything yet
I contemplated changing my profession MULTIPLE times
I watched fireworks from a boat on Lake Chelan. This was a lifetime first.
Seattle's weather reached all time high's. I survived that.
I caught SWINE FLU, oink oink baby. Missed the vaccine by a month
I went to my first Sounders game with my AMAZING friend Meesh!!!
Meesh FINALLY got engaged on the day before the 4th of July.. a phone call that I will NEVER EVER FORGET!
I got over my fear of needles and now get shots regularly
My hero and someone I loved very very much passed away :( R.I.P. Gpa Hanky
I spent hours at my parents house BBQ-ing and drinking around a bonfire.
I reconnected with my oldest cousin and we get together regularly for dinner.
I found myself, more so than last summer.
I'm happy... on my way to something beautiful.

25, was epic. It will definitely be an age that I will never forget, or be able to repeat.