Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Impossibly, Possible..

Some things just seem like the impossible. Like there is no way in God's great earth that it can be done. I want to make the impossible, possible. I want to focus all of my attention and hard work towards something that I feel or have felt is impossible.

Here is my list of impossible possibilities:

1. Mend a broken or damaged heart WITHOUT using a new relationship as a band-aide
2. Lose weight in a self esteem boosting way (i.e. no eating disorders, quick fix pills)
3. Date like a man (i.e. have fun, don't take things too seriously, don't become attached)
4. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forget. Forget. Forget.
5. Make a goal, stick to it, see my goal through and reap its rewards
6. Quit swearing.
7. Replace one BAD habit, with one GOOD habit
8. See the beauty in ugly
9. Stop trying to figure out "the plan" learn to enjoy the ride
10. Remember this list, remember the motivation behind it. Start today.

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Knowin' someone else wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.
Then all that disappears.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

...Learn to be still

This is something I started while watching The Eagles "Hell Freezes Over" concert on DVD. It doesn't have any real significance. I was just inspired to sketch a hand. The eye I started, got frustrated with and stopped. It was nice to pick up a pen and start sketching again. I hope to improve over time.

"Learn to be Still" - Eagles

Monday, January 4, 2010


At this very moment, on this day, I'm taking control of my heart.
You WILL NOT make me cry, hurt or be sad anymore
Good luck to you in life
I'm not bitter.

Scribble, Scribble

I've decided to jump start my creativity skills.
Before I was diagnosed with ADD I spent almost all of my free time
either painting, or drawing, or dissecting lyrics
Now that I take Ritalin on the regular, I have no desire to be creative
I miss having that as an outlet
I miss my poetry
my doodling
painting to music
and lyrics
I don't look at things the same
I wish I had the ability to see the world through youthful
unharmed eyes
I hope to jump start my artistic skills and channel all of my pain
into something beautiful
I need to see the beauty in ugly

My heart is a fool...

"I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space
Cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
I allowed you to make me feel....
I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I?
You so easily set me aside..."

I've never felt so foolish in my life as I did this past NYE. I was dumped at a party by a guy I've been casually dating off and on for the past 7 months. I was his date, these were all his friends, I was alone, and embarrassed. The things he said were piercing. I am so pissed off and angry that I let him in. I realize it could have been a lot worse, but this was just shocking. I looked so dumb, I felt so used. It hurt. He's been a friend of mine for 3 years and treated me with such disrespect it left me stunned. I'm not hurt by the fact that he doesn't "like" me, I'm hurt that I lost a friend. Someone I've grown really close with over the past few months. I just feel dumb. Disgusted. 2010 started out with me being dumped.... can I get a do-over?!

Out of everything to remember, I remember only that. My beautiful memory blacked out the rest of the night except the part of him hurting me. My heart, my head, me...... just a fool.

"Fool of Me"- Me'Shell Ndegeocello