Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear John letter

What in the world happened to those good old fashioned "Dear John" letters that a fed up, level headed, respected woman would write to her cheating lover. Since when did we as women, give up our self respect and confidence and let our skanky husbands, boyfriends or lovers back into our lives. Sure we all believe they've changed, they won't do it again, it was a one time mistake, and so on and so on and so on. NEWS FLASH LADIES, it wasn't a one time thing, they haven't changed and they WILL do it again. Have we not learned ANYTHING from our past? Did the women before us who fought so hard for our rights not prove to us that we deserve MORE? It's a mans world, we know this with out a doubt, but we don't have to play by their rules. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Guys don't think with their hearts, so why do we? If everything is telling you this is wrong, why are you looking at a muscle in your chest for guidance? What if that muscle could talk, could do more than just pump blood through your body? Do you think it would still be telling you to jump back into the arms of a person who fucked you over so royally?

it wouldn't.

I'm disgusted with the way that relationships are for the women and men in my generation. We're intrigued by the men who talk down to us, the cheaters are the most desired and the sincere and nice guys... well... they're our "best friends." I'm not perfect, I've dated one of the most disrespectful human beings I've ever come across, but the biggest difference between me and the loved ones I'm writing to, I've learned.

She hasn't.

So all I'm saying is, get your head on straight.....

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Brutal Honesty

All relationships survive with honesty, but is it possible to be too honest? Some comments or statements or topics need some sort of discretion. You can't indulge your every thought and opinion to everyone. In past relationships I've always felt that honesty was key in order to trust someone, but can you ruin a potential relationship by being "too honest?"

The brutal and honest truth is, absolutely.

What I'm trying to say:

Quit being so damn honest, leave something for the imagination. Love will keep us alive, not honesty.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Always Midnight

"You're right,
I must be crazy.
You're out getting high,
I'm here pretending I'm in love.
The sound of your heart,
my head on your chest,
dropped your hands to your sides
and gave up.
I'd rather be crazy than right-

New Years Eve is on its way. The stress of making plans, having a date, finding an outfit and the realization that another year is coming to an end, is approaching at RECORD SPEED. I always dread holidays/events that require a significant other. Valentines day, Holiday parties, Halloween, Weddings, and New Years Eve are all holidays where dates are encouraged and expected. I dread them, I'm not the girl who ever has a date, or even the ability to say + 1 on an invite. I am me... I am the party. 2010.... be good to me. I don't want to be alone at midnight.....

"A way to get back to you,
A way to get out of here,
I don't want to be alone
At midnight anymore.
How do I get away
Wanna see you in the daylight
I don't wanna be afraid of
Midnight anymore"

Monday, December 21, 2009


"One night while the whole world was turning
I left you a note
And I told you that I'd always miss you
Then I let you go
I'm living outside of some town I ain't heard of
And I think about the boy I knew
I didn' t know you could fall out of love
I learned that from you

And I learned how to kiss on a Ferris wheel
And I made wishes at wishing wells
And I fell into that fairytale too
And I know that love ain't so easy
But we tried, didn't we baby
It's alright
Some dreams weren't meant to come true
I learned that from you"

"I Learned that from You" - Sara Evans

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tears and Beers

I have no idea what my problem is. I cannot seem to shake this icky feeling I've had for the past week or so. It's Christmas.. I should be out celebrating, shopping, dining with friends and spending quality time with family.

But I have NO DESIRE to do any of those things.

I literally don't even care that it's Christmas, a feeling that is completely foreign to me. I don't want to hear Christmas music, I don't want to shop until I can't possibly shop anymore, and I certainly don't want to wrap presents. He was going to teach me how to wrap presents without using tape this year. That was what we were going to do together. It was his mission, to teach me to wrap a present perfectly. Not knowing that last Christmas would be the last Christmas I would have with him, I randomly put out all of the little things he gave me over the years. They're all over my desk, the little tags he would write on my presents, the rubber ducky he said I had to have, the tigers eye stone he gave to me. None of that was on purpose.

The week he passed away, a client of mine passed away. My client passed away on Monday and when our office got the call I burst into tears. I felt like that call could be about Hank, at any point I could receive that call. Little did I know that I'd receive that text that upcoming Sunday.

I had just sent a text to his wife asking to come visit, a visit I never got to make. I feel so fucking guilty for being so busy this past summer. I feel like I should have made more of an effort. I should have called more.

I didn't realize it would happen so fast, just like I didn't realize Christmas would approach so fast.

Our Christmas party last year was weird. He wasn't his typical jolly self. He sat there quiet listening to everyone ramble on about odds and ends. He wanted something that I could make for Christmas, so he got lemon loaf. I didn't make it, Mikaella did. Am I that self absorbed that I couldn't even take a moment and make him something? Take a moment and call him? Fucking say I love you one last time?

I know I'm better than that. I hate hearing "oh its ok, he knew you loved him, he knew how much you cared, he knew you were busy..." - I was selfish. End of story. I should have been there. I should have gone to the hospital, I SHOULD have called. Now it's too late, and I knew better.

Tonight I'm not sulking, or even feeling sorry for myself. I'm just straight up sad and disappointed. I miss him, I hate sitting in this office and looking out my window and expecting to see that charming grin smiling at me as he passes me every morning. I'm tired of looking the other direction and seeing out the open door his empty office.

I thought I'd have a better grip on things by now. I thought I'd let it go with the funeral, but it seems that the funeral brought it all back up again. It hurts. I feel stupid for even being sad still. I don't even remember being this sad when my blood Grandpa's passed away. Is that sick to admit? They all either passed away in Dec or were buried in Dec. Literally.... why!

Questions I'll never have the answers to. Beers and tears on a Friday night aren't as bad as I expected.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


Time. It's ticking away. You haven't made up your mind, you never will. It will always be like this. Dead stop, while everything else flies by. I expect it, I'm not surprised. I want more, but I want more to be you.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


dear summer.boy,

it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it? thank you for keeping me company when I was bored to tears laying by my pool. thank you for allowing me to bbm you late at night to talk about random shit. thank you for being my summer.boy, but now that Winter is here.... you're nonexistent. like a ghost. good memories... we'll always have the summer, after all.

"Hey there summer boy
I’m a busy girl
Don’t have too much time
Hurry up before I change my mind"

.....i changed my mind.

You spin me right round...

I did a spin class this week. I've never felt so exhilarated in my entire life... until reality kicked in and I realized that I am OUT OF SHAPE and tore something in my left leg.

I wish I was kidding. I'm leaving for DC tomorrow morning where I will be WALKING and touring all of America's history and I have a bum leg. Pissed doesn't even begin to describe how upset I am. I've been applying icy hot and taking Excedrin back and muscle extra strength like it's my only job in life. I'm still gimpy and I can barely move... literally.

Hell no will I resort to a wheelchair.. how embarrassing would that be? How do I explain to people that I didn't fall or have surgery or even twist my leg in any normal way.. no in fact I was trying to get in shape and took an exercise class and failed... EPICALLY.


I also almost fell off the bike. I can't even explain that without giving a demonstration and I'm far too lazy to capture that with pictures or a video clip. Just know that it was so VERY typical and awesome.

I'm pretty sure, as soon as I'm healed.. I'll march my fat ass back into that gym and attempt spin again. It just HURTS TOO DAMN GOOD!