Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Mo Mo

We had to put our beloved Mo to sleep this week. He was a major part of our lives for many, many years. He was my FIRST cat. He was adopted from "The Ark" pet store on the Plateau. He was a Siamese tabby with BRIGHT BLUE eyes, who came from a litter of all boys. His brothers were Larry and Curly. One day after church on our way into Starbucks, I spotted the kittens on their kitten tower. After we got our coffee's I begged and pleaded for my parents to let us visit the kitty's. After begging and one major crying fit, Mo curled up into my Mom's lap and it was a done deal. It was extremely sad to have to say goodbye to him. I know that he is no longer in pain, and that he is
essentially in a better place. Regardless, he will be greatly missed by everyone. My heart aches especially for my Sister, I know how much he meant to her and I pray that she is able to mend her broken heart quickly.

A few of my favorite memories of Mo-Mo:

  • the way he would drink water by dipping his paws into the sink/toilet or drink directly from the faucet
  • hearing my Sister scream because Mo was biting her ankles because she was getting ready to leave him
  • his love for ice cubes and the ice cube maker
  • when he escaped into the outdoors and when we found him, we realized he wasn't scared, he had no desire to be found or put back inside the house
  • his love for toothpaste caps
  • "mo mo kitty kitty mo!"
  • how he'd curl up wherever there was sun
  • his blue eyes
  • his temper tantrums and crying fits
  • returning home after vacations to find that he had pushed the screen out the window and was hanging out in the backyard
  • how we always knew when he had gotten into the "nip" because he would make weird noises and freak out around the house
  • how he curled up every night at the foot of my Sister's bed

I love you Mo Mo and I will miss you

(purple was the color of his most recent collar)

make your decision....

.....and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

what happened to us
I heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
no, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you

cause you took this too far.

"Which to Bury; Ur or the Hatchet" - Relient K

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Things that matter....

"...Sometimes I take on this world by myself,
thinkin' I got all the answers
don't need anybody's help.
Well God was right there waiting for me all along,
to fall down on my knees, surrender all..."

"Things that matter, things that don't"

I'm beginning to take inventory on things in my life and make a list of things and people that matter, and those that don't. I've spent so much of my life trying to impress people that frankly just don't give a damn about me, and why? I want to surround myself with people that matter, I want to focus on the things that matter. I don't want anymore time being wasted on things that bring me down, or people that add fuel to the fire rather than show up with buckets of water. I know it's easier said than done, but if I've made that much effort over the years for people that don't matter, surely I can make this change for one person who certainly does... me :)

"Things That Matter" - Rascal Flatts

Friday, February 12, 2010

..there it is

You can trust me not to drink
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down

Cause all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too
If I didn't blow the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place...

Hey jealousy.

"Hey Jealousy" - Gin Blossoms

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Thanks to this years Grammy's, my obsession with Alanis Morrisette has been re-ignited. Beyonce's performance of "If I Were A Boy" included a tid bit of Alanis' "You Oughta Know" which is pretty much genius.

Here's the performance... how can you NOT love this?


"If there's a scream inside of you
Just let it go
You're beating yourself up baby
Don't you know
You've got to get through
And lift the roof off your soul

It's like the pain locked
In the part of your heart
It's never gonna leave it
Unless you start
To warm it up
Be wise and be smart

Out on the ocean
There's no one around
No one to hear a sound
It's just us out here
Out on the ocean
Speaking free

Away from the city
Away from the ears that
Bug us and judge us
It's so liberating
To be free
And my heart slows down

Nice and easy
And your breathing will be pleasing
Just speak easy
And say what's on your mind
I search for something
To compare you to
Thought long and hard
For a simile true
Now I'm suddenly aware
End the quest you're beyond compare
So speak easy

If there's a shadow in your life
Then there's sunshine
Things turning inside out
All the time
Just rewind
It's all in your mind

Oh so speak easy
Out here we're floating
Late in the night
And the only light to guide us is a
Full moon that's glowing
On the sea"

"Speak Easy"

Monday, February 8, 2010

Hot Mess...

"I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
I wish I could start this whole thing over again
I'm not sayin' it's you,
You could never be true
I just don't wanna know how it ends
You'd still have my heart in the palm of your hands
I'd still look like a fool in front of your freinds
Yeah, I wish somehow I didnt know now what I didn't know then..."

Guess who got her camera back? ME! I was super excited to see all of the pics from NYE (to try to put together what little I remember) and make sense of the entire event/ordeal. Guess what I found out?

1. I was beyond blacked out, every single picture was a complete mystery/revelation
2. I overreacted
3. I'm a psycho bitch
4. I'm not allowed to drink hard A, no exceptions
5. I owe apologies for # 1-4

So last night as I sat in my bed crying my guilty eyes out, I sent the following text message to the person who deserved it the most:

"I don't expect you to respond, care, or even accept my apology. But I owe you this. I'm sorry for getting so upset and for whatever I may have said on NYE. What I thought happened and what actually happened are completely different. I know that now. You didn't deserve it, so I'm sorry."

I knew he wouldn't respond, and why should he? He didn't owe me anything, and its not like I really did either. But the person I became after drinking on NYE is so polar opposite from who I am, anyone who experienced it deserved an apology.
Today while talking with a friend he messaged me.... it was so strange because I was just explaining to her how horrible I felt after realizing how wrong I was. I moved my mouse on my computer to get rid of the screen saver and there was his name in the little orange blinking instant messenger box. I'm not gonna lie, my heart skipped a beat.

It was simple and to the point.
"Thank you for the apology :)"
my response:

And so it ends. I can guarantee that my heart will be a little easier from now on, tonight I will sleep soundly. I finally feel at ease......


"Hot Mess" - Cobra Starship

Sunday, February 7, 2010

It seems as though I've always been, somebody outside looking in, well here I am for all of them to bleed, they'll never know the real me....

Friday, February 5, 2010

Seeing what this "blog mobile" feature is really all about. This might be both exciting and dangerous...... Drunk blogging?! Oh Lord... I see disasters.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Barbie Doll

This girlchild was born as usual
and presented dolls that did pee-pee
and miniature GE stoves and irons
and wee lipsticks the color of cherry candy.
Then in the magic of puberty, a classmate said:
You have a great big nose and fat legs.

She was healthy, tested intelligent,
possessed strong arms and back,
abundant sexual drive and manual dexterity.
She went to and fro apologizing.
Everyone saw a fat nose on thick legs.

She was advised to play coy,
exhorted to come on hearty,
exercise, diet, smile and wheedle.
Her good nature wore out
like a fan belt.
So she cut off her nose and her legs
and offered them up.

In the casket displayed on satin she lay
with the undertaker's cosmetics painted on,
a turned-up putty nose,
dressed in a pink and white nightie.
Doesn't she look pretty everyone said.
Consummation at last.
To every woman a happy ending.

My first class of my first quarter in college was Women's Literature. I drove from my parent's house every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to attend class at Seattle Pacific University. It was so awkward arriving to a school where I knew no one. I remember how awful parking was and how on my second day I all but had a panic attack trying to find a spot to park. Not knowing a single soul at this school gave me one hundred and ten reasons not to show up... but then one day we were given an assignment. Pick a poem out of our book and dissect it. I chose "Barbie Doll" by Marge Piercy, how fitting I thought. Anything having to do with self image and the pressure of society seemed to be right up my ally. I knocked my paper out of the park, I couldn't say enough about this poem and how it made me feel. From that day on I had a reason to show up to class. I had found something that inspired me. It gave me confidence to reach out to classmates and confidence to walk around campus with the feeling of "THIS IS WHERE I BELONG." To this day, this is a poem that I still remember, still adore, and still relate to.