Monday, September 28, 2009

Let me see you 1.. 2... step!

".....I'm 5'2, I wanna dance with you and I'm sophisticated fun..." Thank you Missy Elliott for creating the best line to describe a shorty (like myself), ever!

So this past Saturday I decided to avoid skin cancer and try out the new and improved "Mystic Tan." I've done the mystic many, many times in the past but it's been awhile. So when I was informed of the new and improved qualities I was sold and had to give it a go. I was also nervous! The old mystic went like this, pick between 2 levels and....

1. Put lotion on hands and feet
2. Put cap on
3. Press green button
4. Turn around after front is sprayed
5. Spray back
6. Get out wipe down go home

The NEW and improved mystic has 4 options, you can either get INSTANT color in two different shades or a clear offered in two shades that won't appear until a few hours later. As if THAT isn't complicated enough the entire machine is different. No more easy push green button, it's now a sensor which you must hold your hand in front of and then wave. The old machine just had a silver section to stand on, the new has 4 sets of feet and they are numbered.... the best part about this entire "new mystic" is that the booth has a voice and she talks to you and tells you what to do.

This is how my experience went down...

After I did a 22 minute super bed (guilty), I came out and waited for my turn in the mystic. Some guy waiting to go into the mystic after me was being extremely impatient and complaining that the person ahead of me was taking too long. So this got me nervous for my session, I didn't want to make him any more agitated. When the girl walked me back there she realized I was completely paranoid about what to do so she let me tan for free to avoid having the timer thing going, super nice move. So I load my nails and hands up with the lotion and apply it to the tops of my toes (please note that I DID NOT apply it to the bottom of my feet, awesome) and I put my cap on, careful to not leave a line on my forehead.

Once all of the "pre-mystic" items were taken care of I opened the door and realized almost immediately that this could get ugly. It was dark, the feet spots were all sorts of confusing, I literally did some sort of Dance Dance Revolution move trying to figure out how to stand and which foot was my right and which was my left. I took a deep breath and held my hand in front of the green button and waved, a happy little wave, and SHE came on and started giving me commands.


I was hopping at this point, legs shimming about in all directions trying to get onto the correct number. I'm sure I resembled some sort of naked leprechaun in a blue scrub cap. I was getting really really anxious at this point. Was I supposed to fill these feet spots? Did I need to lean into one or the other? Should I hold my breath?.... all of these thoughts were racing through my mind as the countdown began. It kicked on and did a double spray starting at my feet and worked its way up, almost instantly the voice came back on barking orders for my feet. The entire time I kept mixing up my right with my left and then I'd have to rethink out the order. Having ADD and attempting the mystic is really quite complicated. After my back was sprayed I got a little hesitant, I did NOT want to pull a "Ross" and get quadruple sprayed on one side. Luckily she came back on and told me to exit, it was DONE!

I stepped out, completely forgetting about the bottoms of my feet and I wiped down. The old mystic was just a quick wipe down, nothing to it. The new mystic recommends either wiping down in small circles, or in one swift movement, going in the same direction. These instructions left my mind almost instantly. I rubbed down. I chose the clear concoction which was awesome and hell all at once. With the old mystic you had some sort of color distinction so you knew what to wipe off, but this also meant having brown clothes if you weren't careful. Since I opted for the clear I had no idea what was wiped and what wasn't (again ADD, no bueno).

All in all I only managed to fuck up the bottoms of my feet, one hand is darker than the other, there's a dark spot on one elbow and my toes came out a bit distorted. I think maybe, just maybe I'll attempt the mystic again. I did manage to get talked into purchasing three, so I have THREE more times to get this little 1.. 2.. step, perfected.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Oink Oink Baby

....Well shit, flu season is in full swing. I haven't even put my summer clothes away and I'm already stocked up on sick supplies. What started out as a tickle in my throat has quickly progressed to a full blown sickness. I didn't even get a chance to go out and get the flu shot, how in the world did I catch this? I'm a Purell hand sanitizer Nazi, I take vitamins like they're going out of style and I drink tons of water. Not to mention I've been getting plenty of sleep, working out really hard and pretty much taking really good care of myself.

Is this my body's way of telling me it would rather be lazy? I am so bummed out by this. I hate not feeling well and I hate even more when I can't kick it. I didn't think I was susceptible to catching the H1N1 (oink) because I'm never around sick people. But, thanks to good ole WAZZU visiting Qwest field for a football game, I'm down and out.

I've never felt closer to death in all of my life.......

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

It's all Greek to me....

........Literally. Life in general sometimes feels like a foreign language, something I never excelled at in school. I wonder how many other people get confused like I do over life's simplest things. For example... pulling into a residential area, I have to cross a double yellow to turn into my complex, is this breaking the law? What is the point of creating a space for some complex's and then none for others? Do I need to use that space to complete a u-turn? What is the purpose, and why does it confuse me to the point of blogging about it?

Another "Greek" moment is my new gym has an extremely nice locker-room and I've been taking full advantage of it. The showers however are completely F'd, what is the point of semi smoking out the glass in between each stall? If I can see through the wannabe glass, then it isn't doing its job. Why wouldn't you give your members more privacy? I mean the bathrooms have their own glass door that separates them from the locker section. The showers have nothing of this sort. There is ONE bench in the shower section, how is that convenient? Where am I supposed to get undressed? On Tuesday my shower had ZERO water pressure so the water just dribbled down against the wall, I literally had to lean against the wall to wash out the already drying shampoo, imagine that. There are towel hooks at the polar opposite side of the shower section.....really?! How is this supposed to work? Maybe I'm just a prude.... who knows.