let me let go

I realize that the only reason why I blog anymore is so that I can reflect on the thoughts and conclusions I reach on a day to day basis. I don't do it for any specific reason other than to remind myself of where I was at on a particular day. Today, this is where my mind is at.

As I sit here at work, busy with excel spreadsheets and "to-do" tasks I realize I have to let go. I say it, I attempt it, and then something happens that leads me to believe that there might be a second wind somewhere on this dead end road. I'm the exact definition of an eternal optimist. My mind is constantly in fear of the "what if" situation. I talk myself out of moving forward, because I think "what if he changes his mind, what if he starts taking interest.." this puts an entire PAUSE on my life. For some odd reason, the possibility of the "what if" situation becoming reality sends my head soaring. I'm not even sure if I want that!

My head and heart are at a constant war, they have been since I was a teenager. My mind unfortunately has ZERO control over what happens in my life. My heart seems to be running the show, and failing miserably at that. When my heart has finally had enough and wants to move forward, this is what happens....

I take one step forward, I look around and I like what I see. I look down at my phone, and its you, texting me. OUT OF NOWHERE. Just like that, I take 5 steps backwards. The sad thing, as I'm taking these steps backwards, I look around, and I still like what I see.

I CANNOT ESCAPE YOU.

Even when I am dead set on the fact that nothing will ever become of this stupid lifeless mess that we've created, one SINGLE move on your end makes my strength disappear. I turn to mush. You've never ONCE led me to believe that you care, and yet I still cannot let go.

I want it to stop. And as much as I want it to stop, I cannot cut you out. Do me a favor and just end it. Fuck someone else, delete my number, ignore me to the point of hurting me. Just LET ME LET GO!

"Let me let go" - Faith Hill