Super old school.... my thoughts on 2007

Here's what 2007 has taught me...

My parents were right

Just because we are blood related doesn't mean we are family

Giving will ALWAYS top recieving

A good laugh with good friends is nothing to take for granted

Don't complain about the heat, remember how cold, cold is.

Red meat can take up to 14 days for your body to process

Time is the only way to heal a broken heart

Friendships take work

Britney Spears shouldn't be allowed to drive

Don't take for granted what could be gone tomorrow

Never miss an I Love You

Drinking TOO much is easy to achieve

You won't find happiness until you create happiness

Don't rely on someone else to make you, you

Things will change, people will come and go, Let it!

It's ok to double check the locks :)

Hard work pays off at some point

You're never too old to wish on a shooting star

Life is short, make your time on earth count for something

Music will never hurt

Free Range Chickens DO NOT MEAN THEY ROAM FREE

Don't look for what is right in front of you

Hybrid cars can catch on fire QUICKLY

The song " I saw Mommy kissing santa" is not about a Mother being a whore

Duraflame logs are more eco friendly than real wood

It's ok to listen to your heart, as long as you tap into your brain once in awhile

You don't need assistance when it comes to breaking a habit

The song about Seattle's Latte Land is possibly the worst holiday song ever.

Your dirty little secret's can't stay secret's forever.

Honesty, though it may suck, is always the better choice

There is such a thing as too many pillows

It's ok to put myself first sometimes

Don't take your life for granted

Celebrate your birthday instead of dreading getting older

It's hard to fake love

Don't talk shit to anyone in my family, about our family

Don't go too fast, when you crash, it can turn your world around

Carmex never heals chapped lips

It's never too late to find faith

I don't need to attend church every Sunday to know God, He's with me all the time.

My Grandma is someone I could never live without

I learned how to cry happy tears

I'm over the people that treat my family as outcasts

Driving an SUV is insane with the gas prices

I'm allergic to chocolate

I'm spoiled

I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for

Love isn't always on time

The Used will never go out of style

If you don't get your mail after a week, they return it

People are never how you expect them to be

It's ok to love those that don't love you back

Second chances are rarely deserved

Take care of your hearing, it's gonna go fast!

Taste of Chaos is only watchable when The Used perform

The only person that deserves your faith is God

Don't tear off more than you can chew

The greatest friends know you, even when you don't know yourself

The good years are nothing to complain about

There is no such thing as time travel, so quit worrying about the past

Global Warming is nothing to fuck around with

Washington D.C. has nicer people than Washington State

It's easy to forgive, it's impossible to forget

Don't judge unless you are prepared to be judged

Volunteering is easily the most rewarding thing you can do

Be grateful!

I prefer See's Candy over Boehms chocolates

I learned not to worry about the current year

There's always next year....

rude boy

oh the beauty in dating. So many dates, so little dedication to documenting all of the details. For roughly 2 months now I have been what someone would call a "player." I have been doing some sort of juggling act with a handful of different guys. All of which are super fun to hang out with, and none of which are relationship material.

What. The. Heck.

My week and weekend are seriously consumed with boys. I have a different date each week. I'm juggling text messages and phone calls and facebook messages and instant messages and coffee dates and happy hour dates and meet and greets with co-workers and TRIPS TO MAUI? Yes, someone the other week invited me to Maui with him and his friends for Halloween. Although I was completely game for this idea, many friends brought me back to reality and explained to me why I couldn't go. Boo. I've had good dates, bad dates, fun dates, boring dates, breakfast dates, sleepover dates, dates where I am asked out by someone else while my date is in the bathroom......you name it.

Bottom line: I'm exhausted.

I don't want to DATE anymore. I don't want temporary people in my life filling my head and heart with unsatisfying butterflies. I realize this is how life works, but I'm bored.

Check Please!

Congratulations!!

So today while eating my lunch it dawned on me that LUNCHABLES have been around since I was in elementary school. How awesome is that? I'm 26 on the verge of 27, do the math, that's a LONG time! They haven't changed much, either. Same crackers (although now with a serving of whole grain), same turkey (although now served with only 100% turkey breast), same sliced cheese (they didn't have anything to say on the cheese), and Capri Sun (100% juice). I couldn't believe how something so simple as an Oscar Meyer Lunchable could survive and still be favored for that many years. I can't think of anything else that's been around that long. Well, I guess there's TV, Highlighters, Scissors, Water, Coke, but nothing is as cool as the LUNCHABLE! You might be asking yourself "is it as good as it was back then?" and my unbiased thoughts are IT'S BETTER! I now get to pick out which ones I want, use my own money and eat at whatever time of day I want. So much better than when I was 7 :)

10.05.10

It's October which means the seasons are supposed to change.... right? I find it hilarious how the weather today is better than most of the days in August and September, I'd say 85%. RIDICULOUS. Just when I'm starting to prepare myself for the cold and wicked months ahead, Mother Nature plays tricks on me and teases me with SUNSHINE. I'm already starting to miss Chelan and that yummy feeling of Summer, don't throw Sunshine at me and expect me to remain calm, clothed and inside!

I mean I'm so confused when I have to get dressed in the morning. It's cold, so I immediately want to put on some irritating wool sweater and ugg boots, but then I see sunshine and I immediately throw on flip flops. My hair is doing some weird static cling routine since the air is so dry (what does that have to do with this post?). I see the leaves changing, I can feel my birthday approaching and yet I feel like yummy summer is trying to make it up to me (see post below).

Oh well, I guess I'll just continue to be weather challenged and mix winter items with my favorite flip flops (i.e. plaid long sleeve button up shirt and Old Navy flip flops)

Summer Girl

I'm a Summer Girl. Everything about me represents Summer. I love the sunkissed highlites my hair gets, the tan lines on my toes from my toe rings, the freckles on my shoulders that I obsess over like a complete weirdo. SUMMER. I adore it. I wish Summer wasn't a season, more or less a lifestyle. Like I wish I could just LIVE Summer all year long. Everything awesome that comes with Summer, would just be a natural part of my life. Do you think I could obtain that by moving to a sunny location? Would I miss the seasons? I hardly think I'd even notice. I really wouldn't mind a palm tree Christmas. I'd be so blubbering happy with living SUMMER that it wouldn't even dawn on me that my Christmas tree was mostly made of trunk. I don't even like Christmas trees, they shed, it's weird.

I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to LIVE SUMMER. The feeling that most people get when they fall in love.... well..... that's the way I feel almost EVERYDAY during the Sunny Summertime months. Who wouldn't want to experience that 24/7? Or I guess a less drastic fix would be to just fall in love? Ha Ha....I think I'll pass, book a plane ticket and find myself some SUMMER.

crazy town

I love my house in Chelan. I love spending quality time with the people that matter the most in my life. I love how free I feel the minute I drive through Snoqualmie Pass and start to see a change of scenery. The relaxed lifestyle of a small town is so refreshing, so personal and quaint yet so dangerous. After having a house in this small town for almost 13 years, I have definitely created some incredible and not so incredible memories. Some worth mentioning and some that I would pay $1 million to forget. This Summer I feel like I created some of those memories that will last a lifetime. The type that have a soundtrack, similar to the Summer of '98. The Summer of '98 can instantly be recalled to memory within seconds of hearing Santana, Chicago or Brandy "The Boy is Mine." Needless to say, it was a Summer that I'll never forget. Epic failures and even more incredible gains, it's safe to say that I've definitely changed.

Summer of 2010 Soundtrack:

David Nail - Turning Home
Lil Jon feat LMFAO - Get Outta Your Mind
Taio Cruz - Dynamite
Lady Antebellum - American Honey
Tim McGraw - Still
TechN9ne - I'm a Player
Zac Brown Band - Free (with violin intro)
Sugarland - Stuck Like Glue
The Who - Love Reign O'er Me
Oasis - Wonderwall
Usher - Oh My Gosh
Brandon Flowers - Crossfire
Travie McCoy feat Bruno Mars - Billionaire
Eminem feat Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie
Eminem feat Lil Wayne - No Love
Rihanna - Wait is Over
Josh Turner - All Over Me
Lady Antebellum - Our Kind Of Love
Carrie Underwood - Undo It
Reba McEntire - On The Radio
Darius Rucker - Come Back Song
Zac Brown Band feat Alan Jackson - As She's Walking Away
Trace Adkins - This Ain't No Love Song
Paper Tongues - Ride to California
3OH3 - Touchin On My
Bruno Mars feat Cee-Lo - The Other Side
Kenny Chesney - The Boys of Fall
Kenny Chesney - Anything But Mine
Tim McGraw - All We Ever Find
Taylor Swift feat Colbie Caillat - Breathe
The Band Perry - If I Die Young
Lee Brice - Love Like Crazy
Jason Aldean - Don't Give Up On Me

the golden rule: needs to be re-evaluated

"Treat others the way you would like to be treated..."

I think, maybe, there's room for adjustment with this rule. Like, say, for example, I treat someone the way I would like them to treat me, yet they treat me however they want (which isn't good). Does that mean I'm going against the golden rule if I decide to be a bitch and cut them out of my life? It's a fine line, I'm not sure I want to cross it, but I definitely don't want to be treated with disrespect.

something sexy about the rain...

It's August. A U G U S T ! Typically the hottest month of the year, I'm usually lounging by my pool every night after work just to avoid my hotter than Haiti condo...... Not this year. This year is completely F'd.

This was taken on SATURDAY AFTERNOON. Instead of tan toes and freckled shoulders, I'm looking at wool socks and knee length UGGS!!!!

Mr. Sunshine, I promise to be a good girl if you promise to come out and fulfill your duties in life.

summer.of.love

Everyone has a time of year that reminds them of LOVE. For most its the holiday season, presents, mistletoe, hot chocolate, valentines day hearts, etc. For me, it's always been Summer. The minute the sun starts to shine in this Evergreen, 24/7 car wash state, I immediately feel like I could fall in love. I love, LOVE. I'm obsessed with tan fingers intertwined and freckled noses meeting with a kiss. As soon as I can smell Summer, I am in love.

This Summer, I don't see myself falling in LOVE, maybe LUST? It's not as beautiful, and it usually dissolves before it truly evolves into anything of importance, but it's still fun. All around me I am witnessing the act of falling in love, or being in love. I don't think there is anything more beautiful in life than the act of falling in love. It's impossible not to admire it and be inspired by it.

Burned out, Bruised and Beaten

"and you said I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse. if the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.."


I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm also guilty of over analyzing everything in my life. Two things that seriously cannot go hand in hand and end with success. I have the ability to talk myself into and out of the most ridiculous situations just by over analyzing something. A conversation, a picture posted on facebook, lack of text messaging (yes, it means something when you don't text). You name it, and I will obsess over it until I am blue in the face, or red, seeing as how this stress leads to hours on the treadmill. Regardless, my hopeless romantic bone in my body allows me to fall ever so easily for anyone that crosses my path; granted I am attracted to them and have chemistry. (I'm not talking about a random person who catches my eye, not that crazy!) I am passionate, and with this passion, I put my heart out there for all to see and eventually hurt. I literally have no idea how and why I do this. I don't know how to change it, I don't even know how to control it. I'm burned out, bruised and beaten and I can't seem to do a damn thing to make it stop.

this time baby, i'll be bulletproof

Fourth of July came and went.. had an amazing extended weekend in Chelan with family and friends. I definitely created some memories that will last a lifetime. I re-connected with old friends and made new, I laughed until I cried and sang obnoxious karaoke (sober). I kayaked and swam in polar bear temperature water. I took someone "to the grass" which is something I will forever laugh at. We watched the fireworks from a different location this year! Last year I had the pleasure of watching the fireworks show on a boat in the middle of the lake. This year we drove around the lake to my Aunt and Uncle's second property to watch them from their beach. It was an overall perfect holiday weekend. I hope the rest of the summer plays out to be as exciting as this weekend.

(left to right) Sammie, Sara, ME, Ashley
(front) MiaBella

Laugh

Kitty

i love it when i see your...

FACE DROP.
I told you not to leave me alone
and now that I got my own
I see your face drop
I told you not to count me out
'cause you always try to fill me with doubt
sayin that I look better if I was thinner
don't you know you shoulda loved me for my inner
when I left you, yo, I came out a winner....

and now I see your FACE DROP!

Honestly? Like I don't find it odd that you haven't talked with me in months, and all of a sudden after putting more recent pictures on my facebook, you call me? Like, what, I've been sitting waiting for you to contact me? WTF?!

I'm still the same girl, douche bag...

is love...alive?

I've been so lazy lately. Not in life, but with blogging. Instead of actually posting anything with substance, I just post pictures. Like that really sums up what's going on around me...?! So, what IS going on around me? Relationships are ending. Hearts are breaking and growing stronger with time. Backbones are forming. Minds are coming to anticipated conclusions. Fists are being thrown and making contact with faces (its ok to smile). Hearts are finally coming to a mutual agreement with gut feelings.

douche bags are finally finding the door, and Mia is locking it behind him and throwing away the key.

from sunrise to sunset

i hope you had the time of your life...

6.11.10. So Proud. It's YOUR day! xo

crumbling

"....And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
I walk in the air between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where? I don't know

And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous
Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping through my hands

She says "it's only in my head"
She says "Shhh I know it's only in my head"
But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says "Man you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
Then she looks up at the building
Says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
She must be tired of something
Round here she's always on my mind
Round here hey man got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early
and nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late
I can't see nothing.. nothing round here
Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me if I'm falling down on you

I said I'm under the gun around here
I'm innocent I'm under the gun around here
And I can't see nothing
Nothing round here....."

bits and pieces of Counting Crows "Round Here" for some odd reason... I relate to this song today.

Gravity

I had one of the best weekends of my life this past weekend. I was able to spend quality time with some awesome people. I was quickly reminded of how life is supposed to be lived.... I feel like I lost that at some point this past year. I also had an epiphany.. after evaluating my current self I realized how incredibly stupid someone must be to choose to not be apart of my life. I know that sounds incredibly self centered, and it really is. But I finally see how amazing I am, and how stupid someone else is. Sure I've said it to myself hundreds of times before, I've even gone as far as repeating it to others... but I always fell back into his gravity. But now, today, after recognizing how much I've changed both physically and emotionally I know it's true. To pass up the opportunity to be an important person in my life clearly shows your lack of intelligence.

I also realize that no matter how much I change, he will never be what I imagine him to be. It's not ME that needs to change, its not him either. I just cannot make him feel for me the way I always wanted/needed him to. That's ok, because in that realization, I see the beauty in letting go. Live and Let Die. I'm ready to let this "friendship-bullshit" fall apart, so that something wonderful and with purpose can fall together.

I know I claim to recognize this info every time I get frustrated with him, but this weekend after zero communication from my part and his, it clicked. Talking yesterday and today made me realize that there is nothing there, nothing will ever be there.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

(bits and pieces of Sara Bareilles "Gravity")

"If opportunity doesn't knock... build a door." -Milton Berle

we didn't start the fire

I'm playing with fire again

fully aware that I will get burned

and yet I continue to strike a match and watch it burn

completely ignorant to the pain

and yet completely satisfied and content

I know how this will end....

mr. collins- - I adore you

For some odd reason, I am obsessed with Phil Collins "Against All Odds." I'm playing it over and over as if it's the first time I've ever heard it. How is it that a classic can come back into our lives and leave us with the feeling that it's brand new?

I get this way with music. Very nostalgic. Memories flood in the minute I hear a song that was once on repeat in my life. I love how a single song can take me back to a specific time in my life. I can almost smell the air on that particular day.

Postal Service - Against All Odds: reminds me of college and my obsession with the movie Wicker Park. I can feel my apartment, I can feel the berber carpet and the freshly stained ikea furniture. I remember the endless hours I spent in my room watching movies like Boondock Saints and Moulin Rouge.

That's all I have for this Friday afternoon. Peace & Love.

show me some skin I might bite it

I just want to take you out and get you drunk so I can have my wicked way with you....

I absolutely adore Benjamin Taylor and his new album "The Legend of Kung Folk Part 1 (The Killing Bite)." I stumbled upon it this past weekend and was instantly in HEART with the song "Wicked Way." It's so catchy and unique. It's THAT song that instantly puts a smile on my face and a little pep in my step. I want the entire world to listen to it and just relax. My other absolute favorite from Mr. Taylor is his acoustic cover of Macy Gray's "I Try." This was my original encounter with Mr. Taylor and it was a smash! After some research I came upon a factoid that has consumed my heart and mind... BENJAMIN TAYLOR is the SON of JAMES TAYLOR! Hello!!!!! No wonder I adore this boy so much! JT is like my idol, I cannot get enough of him and his mellow, feel good music. Handyman, oh baby!

"I just want to take you out and get you drunk so I can have my wicked way with you
I’m just being honest cause I know the other guys are thinking just the same way too
And I’m not gonna lie and say that I will take you out to dance there’s just no chance ‘cause I don’t even like the same music you do
I just wanna have my wicked way with you
So don’t you fight it Cause I know you’re gonna like it
Show me some skin I might bite it
I wanna have my wicked with you.
So I’m not gonna come over and meet your mom and dad
They know that I was bad"

p.s. Could you honestly imagine a guy saying this to you? It might be kind of nice to know their intentions up front rather than be another victim of the game.... or maybe we all just like the game? I think my pants would automatically just drop if Benjamin Taylor sang that to me.. quirky hair, goofy smile and all..... yep, I'm THAT girl!

shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Spring is almost here, well, I guess technically the first day of Spring was on the 20th. So let me rephrase, Spring WEATHER is almost here, which means NEW THREADS! I've already started my virtual shopping to see what's out there and what I potentially will be obsessed with as the sun starts to make a more regular appearance. I went to DSW the other night and bought some kick ass flips from Roxy. They aren't exactly a necessity but they sure are super cute! I also bought a boyfriend cardigan from Old Navy, or ON as I like to call it. I can honestly spend hours upon hours at ON, I just love their shit. I go pretty frequently just to grab sale items or scope out whats new on the floor. I'm totally a thrifty retail junky. HOWEVER I'm not a huge fan of Ross and TJMax, I'm sure there are tons of items I'm missing out on, but the huge blue rod that sticks out of the carts at Ross, freaks me out. I think its scary.... then again.... a lot of things scare me. Whatever, this blog is boring and lame. Just wanted to get on here and write about something besides boy drama, for once!

ta-da! I'll dish the dirt in my next post.

"Smile" - Uncle Kracker (but seriously how the fuck is this on CMT's website? I'm sorry.. country how?!)

Blind.

The sun has finally started to come out and make regular appearances. I cannot even explain how happy this makes my heart. I am such a sun bunny, it's ridiculous. With the excitement of warm weather approaching, I have mixed feelings of the memories that come with the change of seasons. Maybe it's just because everything is so fresh, or because I'm constantly being raped by my memory. I'm not sure. I'm not even going to go into details about my memory and the beautiful and horrific things it does to me. I'm a Scorpio and by definition we are unable to let things go, add an impeccable memory to that equation, and you have me, a zoo.

My motivation behind this post: Ke$ha - Blind

"I'm sick and tired of the mess you made me
Never gonna catch me cry
You must be blind if you can't see
You'll miss me til the day you die"

In my opinion, it's the perfect "sunny weather" song, I listen to it on blast with my windows down and sunglasses on! Give it a whirl, or don't!

let me let go

I realize that the only reason why I blog anymore is so that I can reflect on the thoughts and conclusions I reach on a day to day basis. I don't do it for any specific reason other than to remind myself of where I was at on a particular day. Today, this is where my mind is at.

As I sit here at work, busy with excel spreadsheets and "to-do" tasks I realize I have to let go. I say it, I attempt it, and then something happens that leads me to believe that there might be a second wind somewhere on this dead end road. I'm the exact definition of an eternal optimist. My mind is constantly in fear of the "what if" situation. I talk myself out of moving forward, because I think "what if he changes his mind, what if he starts taking interest.." this puts an entire PAUSE on my life. For some odd reason, the possibility of the "what if" situation becoming reality sends my head soaring. I'm not even sure if I want that!

My head and heart are at a constant war, they have been since I was a teenager. My mind unfortunately has ZERO control over what happens in my life. My heart seems to be running the show, and failing miserably at that. When my heart has finally had enough and wants to move forward, this is what happens....

I take one step forward, I look around and I like what I see. I look down at my phone, and its you, texting me. OUT OF NOWHERE. Just like that, I take 5 steps backwards. The sad thing, as I'm taking these steps backwards, I look around, and I still like what I see.

I CANNOT ESCAPE YOU.

Even when I am dead set on the fact that nothing will ever become of this stupid lifeless mess that we've created, one SINGLE move on your end makes my strength disappear. I turn to mush. You've never ONCE led me to believe that you care, and yet I still cannot let go.

I want it to stop. And as much as I want it to stop, I cannot cut you out. Do me a favor and just end it. Fuck someone else, delete my number, ignore me to the point of hurting me. Just LET ME LET GO!

"Let me let go" - Faith Hill

with or without you

I'm totally becoming that annoying friend that complains about the same shit every day to the same people. I take advice (the same advice) and think about it. I let it roll around in my heart and head for awhile and then make the same damn decisions, over and over and over again. I mean really, what the shit is it gonna take for me to "see the big picture" and drop the douche bag?

I love my friends for putting up with the same questions and same outcome. I am so in love with the fact that they 1. don't give up on the idea of me catching on 2. even if they are frustrated or extremely annoyed, they give solid sound advice as if its the first time hearing about it and 3. tell it to me straight with no bullshit in sight.

My Sister told me after seeing "He's Just Not That Into You," that it was a movie written for me. I own it, along with the book and even the female's version "Be Honest, You're Not That Into Him Either." (it's ok to laugh at the fact that I'm still clueless)

So here I am, hung up on the same guy that I've been trying to figure out since October. What is it about this particular person that keeps me on my toes? I've had a few serious relationships, I've dated, I've been single, my world has clearly been spinning since the moment I took my first breath. So why WHY WHY can't I come to the conclusion that I'm going to be just PERFECT with or without him? That my heart will keep on ticking, with or without him?

I'm laughing as I write this because here I am, wasting precious brain cells to write this blog, which will generate the same advice I received a month ago. God Bless you my friends, thank you for having the patience of a saint <3>

"With or Without You" - U2

Life and Lyrics

I don't know what it is, but I can pretty much find a song to fit every emotion/situation in my life. I don't know how to explain it, but everything about my life makes more sense when paired with a song. My current situation can be summed up by Fleetwood Mac's "Silver Springs." I am addicted and cannot stop listening to it. Obsessed to the point of making a cd in the AM so I can listen to it all the way to work, and once the coast is clear, listening to it via youtube. Yes, I have it playing right now, busted.

It's like, I can't handle anything in my life without having a song to express how I'm feeling, or what I'm experiencing. I know people say they love music, but this is like my oxygen. I suffocate when I don't have music surrounding me. I owe everything to the musicians that illustrate my life. I don't think they realize what an impact they have on people, even songs that are years before my time, hit home on a whole other level.

Maybe I use it to drown out my own thoughts?

"You could be my silver spring
Blue-green..colors flashin'
I would be your only dream
Your shinin' autumn....ocean crashin'
Don't say that she's pretty....
and did you say that she loves you
Baby I don't wanna know

So I'll begin not to love you
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago
And tell myself you never loved me..No
Don't say that she's pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know....Oh no
And can you tell me...was it worth it
Baby, I don't wanna know..

Time cast a spell on you...you won't forget me
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me

Time cast a spell on you...but you won't forget me
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you"

heart of the matter

Ever since I was little, I've been in love with the Eagles. I've said numerous times that I would give anything to see them in concert..

Well, on May 13th at 8 PM I will be in attendance at the Key Arena to see the Eagles perform. I think I'm still in shock. I have loved them for so long, it's kind of surreal. If the concert is anything similar to their "Hell Freezes Over" tour, I will most likely cry tears of ridiculousness. The best part about this concert is I'm going with my Mom, Aunt Ween and Aunt Nikki. The four of us are guaranteed to be some sort of shit show frenzy.

I hope they sit on stools and perform like they do on the "Hell Freezes Over" DVD. Yes I have it, I cannot even count the number of times I've sat and watched it from start to finish. I literally have things memorized. (example) Like when Don Henley begins the first cord of Heart of the Matter he says "this took me 42 years to write and 5 minutes to sing." I can't help but fall in love every time I hear him say that.

If they perform any of the following, I will lose my shit:

• Heart of the Matter
• Learn to be Still
• Wasted Time
• Last Resort
• Life's Been Good
• New York Minute

Who am I kidding... I'm going to lose it the minute I hear the guitar intro to "Hotel California"

"Heart of the Matter" - Don Henley

MMHMM

So I have a new cd that I'm obsessed with, It's Relient K's 2004 release "MMHMM." I was introduced to the song "Which to bury; us or the hatchet" while listening to Pandora the other day and I was instantly in love. I decided to check out the entire cd to see if it was equally as moving. I can say, without a doubt, that it is.

Here is my list of favorites that I have on repeat:

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been- The lyrics to this song seriously made my heart do a somersault. I found an acoustic version of this song that just makes my world stand still every time I listen to it. Perfection.

The One I'm Waiting For- I can't even put into words how much I adore this song. I feel like it was written for me, no I'm not conceited or even overly confident. But when it says "and I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for" I can't help but relate.

Which To Bury; Us or The Hatchet- BEST.BREAK-UP.SONG.EVER.

Let It All Out- "But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did- I will stare at you in disbelief- oh, inconsistent me- crying out for consistency.." I know, right?!

So those are my favs as of right now. I cannot wait to run out of this office in a hour and crank the volume up in my car and submerge myself in Relient K.

Mo Mo

We had to put our beloved Mo to sleep this week. He was a major part of our lives for many, many years. He was my FIRST cat. He was adopted from "The Ark" pet store on the Plateau. He was a Siamese tabby with BRIGHT BLUE eyes, who came from a litter of all boys. His brothers were Larry and Curly. One day after church on our way into Starbucks, I spotted the kittens on their kitten tower. After we got our coffee's I begged and pleaded for my parents to let us visit the kitty's. After begging and one major crying fit, Mo curled up into my Mom's lap and it was a done deal. It was extremely sad to have to say goodbye to him. I know that he is no longer in pain, and that he is essentially in a better place. Regardless, he will be greatly missed by everyone. My heart aches especially for my Sister, I know how much he meant to her and I pray that she is able to mend her broken heart quickly.

A few of my favorite memories of Mo-Mo:

• the way he would drink water by dipping his paws into the sink/toilet or drink directly from the faucet
• hearing my Sister scream because Mo was biting her ankles because she was getting ready to leave him
  
• his love for ice cubes and the ice cube maker
• when he escaped into the outdoors and when we found him, we realized he wasn't scared, he had no desire to be found or put back inside the house
  
• his love for toothpaste caps
• "mo mo kitty kitty mo!"
• how he'd curl up wherever there was sun
• his blue eyes
• his temper tantrums and crying fits
  
• returning home after vacations to find that he had pushed the screen out the window and was hanging out in the backyard
• how we always knew when he had gotten into the "nip" because he would make weird noises and freak out around the house
• how he curled up every night at the foot of my Sister's bed

I love you Mo Mo and I will miss you

(purple was the color of his most recent collar)

make your decision....

.....and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

what happened to us
I heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
no, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you

cause you took this too far.

"Which to Bury; Ur or the Hatchet" - Relient K

Things that matter....

"...Sometimes I take on this world by myself,
thinkin' I got all the answers
don't need anybody's help.
Well God was right there waiting for me all along,
to fall down on my knees, surrender all..."

"Things that matter, things that don't"

I'm beginning to take inventory on things in my life and make a list of things and people that matter, and those that don't. I've spent so much of my life trying to impress people that frankly just don't give a damn about me, and why? I want to surround myself with people that matter, I want to focus on the things that matter. I don't want anymore time being wasted on things that bring me down, or people that add fuel to the fire rather than show up with buckets of water. I know it's easier said than done, but if I've made that much effort over the years for people that don't matter, surely I can make this change for one person who certainly does... me :)

"Things That Matter" - Rascal Flatts

..there it is

You can trust me not to drink
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect too much from me
You might not be let down

Cause all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too
If I didn't blow the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place...

Hey jealousy.

"Hey Jealousy" - Gin Blossoms

adore.

Thanks to this years Grammy's, my obsession with Alanis Morrisette has been re-ignited. Beyonce's performance of "If I Were A Boy" included a tid bit of Alanis' "You Oughta Know" which is pretty much genius.

Here's the performance... how can you NOT love this?

.happy.heart.

"If there's a scream inside of you
Just let it go
You're beating yourself up baby
Don't you know
You've got to get through
And lift the roof off your soul

It's like the pain locked
In the part of your heart
It's never gonna leave it
Unless you start
To warm it up
Be wise and be smart

Out on the ocean
There's no one around
No one to hear a sound
It's just us out here
Out on the ocean
Speaking free

Away from the city
Away from the ears that
Bug us and judge us
It's so liberating
To be free
And my heart slows down

Nice and easy
And your breathing will be pleasing
Just speak easy
And say what's on your mind
I search for something
To compare you to
Thought long and hard
For a simile true
Now I'm suddenly aware
End the quest you're beyond compare
So speak easy

If there's a shadow in your life
Then there's sunshine
Things turning inside out
All the time
Just rewind
It's all in your mind

Oh so speak easy
Out here we're floating
Late in the night
And the only light to guide us is a
Full moon that's glowing
On the sea"

-311-
"Speak Easy"

Hot Mess...

"I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
I wish I could start this whole thing over again
I'm not sayin' it's you,
You could never be true
I just don't wanna know how it ends
You'd still have my heart in the palm of your hands
I'd still look like a fool in front of your freinds
Yeah, I wish somehow I didnt know now what I didn't know then..."

Guess who got her camera back? ME! I was super excited to see all of the pics from NYE (to try to put together what little I remember) and make sense of the entire event/ordeal. Guess what I found out?

1. I was beyond blacked out, every single picture was a complete mystery/revelation
2. I overreacted
3. I'm a psycho bitch
4. I'm not allowed to drink hard A, no exceptions
5. I owe apologies for # 1-4

So last night as I sat in my bed crying my guilty eyes out, I sent the following text message to the person who deserved it the most:

"I don't expect you to respond, care, or even accept my apology. But I owe you this. I'm sorry for getting so upset and for whatever I may have said on NYE. What I thought happened and what actually happened are completely different. I know that now. You didn't deserve it, so I'm sorry."

I knew he wouldn't respond, and why should he? He didn't owe me anything, and its not like I really did either. But the person I became after drinking on NYE is so polar opposite from who I am, anyone who experienced it deserved an apology.
Today while talking with a friend he messaged me.... it was so strange because I was just explaining to her how horrible I felt after realizing how wrong I was. I moved my mouse on my computer to get rid of the screen saver and there was his name in the little orange blinking instant messenger box. I'm not gonna lie, my heart skipped a beat.

It was simple and to the point.
"Thank you for the apology :)"
my response:
":)"

And so it ends. I can guarantee that my heart will be a little easier from now on, tonight I will sleep soundly. I finally feel at ease......

EVEN IF I WAS A COMPLETE HOT MESS!

"Hot Mess" - Cobra Starship

It seems as though I've always been, somebody outside looking in, well here I am for all of them to bleed, they'll never know the real me....

Seeing what this "blog mobile" feature is really all about. This might be both exciting and dangerous...... Drunk blogging?! Oh Lord... I see disasters.

Barbie Doll

This girlchild was born as usual
and presented dolls that did pee-pee
and miniature GE stoves and irons
and wee lipsticks the color of cherry candy.
Then in the magic of puberty, a classmate said:
You have a great big nose and fat legs.

She was healthy, tested intelligent,
possessed strong arms and back,
abundant sexual drive and manual dexterity.
She went to and fro apologizing.
Everyone saw a fat nose on thick legs.

She was advised to play coy,
exhorted to come on hearty,
exercise, diet, smile and wheedle.
Her good nature wore out
like a fan belt.
So she cut off her nose and her legs
and offered them up.

In the casket displayed on satin she lay
with the undertaker's cosmetics painted on,
a turned-up putty nose,
dressed in a pink and white nightie.
Doesn't she look pretty everyone said.
Consummation at last.
To every woman a happy ending.

My first class of my first quarter in college was Women's Literature. I drove from my parent's house every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to attend class at Seattle Pacific University. It was so awkward arriving to a school where I knew no one. I remember how awful parking was and how on my second day I all but had a panic attack trying to find a spot to park. Not knowing a single soul at this school gave me one hundred and ten reasons not to show up... but then one day we were given an assignment. Pick a poem out of our book and dissect it. I chose "Barbie Doll" by Marge Piercy, how fitting I thought. Anything having to do with self image and the pressure of society seemed to be right up my ally. I knocked my paper out of the park, I couldn't say enough about this poem and how it made me feel. From that day on I had a reason to show up to class. I had found something that inspired me. It gave me confidence to reach out to classmates and confidence to walk around campus with the feeling of "THIS IS WHERE I BELONG." To this day, this is a poem that I still remember, still adore, and still relate to.

Impossibly, Possible..

Some things just seem like the impossible. Like there is no way in God's great earth that it can be done. I want to make the impossible, possible. I want to focus all of my attention and hard work towards something that I feel or have felt is impossible.

Here is my list of impossible possibilities:

1. Mend a broken or damaged heart WITHOUT using a new relationship as a band-aide
2. Lose weight in a self esteem boosting way (i.e. no eating disorders, quick fix pills)
3. Date like a man (i.e. have fun, don't take things too seriously, don't become attached)
4. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forget. Forget. Forget.
5. Make a goal, stick to it, see my goal through and reap its rewards
6. Quit swearing.
7. Replace one BAD habit, with one GOOD habit
8. See the beauty in ugly
9. Stop trying to figure out "the plan" learn to enjoy the ride
10. Remember this list, remember the motivation behind it. Start today.

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Knowin' someone else wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.

Then all that disappears.

...Learn to be still

This is something I started while watching The Eagles "Hell Freezes Over" concert on DVD. It doesn't have any real significance. I was just inspired to sketch a hand. The eye I started, got frustrated with and stopped. It was nice to pick up a pen and start sketching again. I hope to improve over time.

"Learn to be Still" - Eagles

5:27

At this very moment, on this day, I'm taking control of my heart.
You WILL NOT make me cry, hurt or be sad anymore
Good luck to you in life
I'm not bitter.

Scribble, Scribble

I've decided to jump start my creativity skills.
Before I was diagnosed with ADD I spent almost all of my free time
either painting, or drawing, or dissecting lyrics
Now that I take Ritalin on the regular, I have no desire to be creative
I miss having that as an outlet
I miss my poetry
my doodling
painting to music
and lyrics
I don't look at things the same
I wish I had the ability to see the world through youthful
unharmed eyes
I hope to jump start my artistic skills and channel all of my pain
into something beautiful
I need to see the beauty in ugly

My heart is a fool...

"I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space
Cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
I allowed you to make me feel....
I feel so dumb
What kind of fool am I?
You so easily set me aside..."

I've never felt so foolish in my life as I did this past NYE. I was dumped at a party by a guy I've been casually dating off and on for the past 7 months. I was his date, these were all his friends, I was alone, and embarrassed. The things he said were piercing. I am so pissed off and angry that I let him in. I realize it could have been a lot worse, but this was just shocking. I looked so dumb, I felt so used. It hurt. He's been a friend of mine for 3 years and treated me with such disrespect it left me stunned. I'm not hurt by the fact that he doesn't "like" me, I'm hurt that I lost a friend. Someone I've grown really close with over the past few months. I just feel dumb. Disgusted. 2010 started out with me being dumped.... can I get a do-over?!

Out of everything to remember, I remember only that. My beautiful memory blacked out the rest of the night except the part of him hurting me. My heart, my head, me...... just a fool.

"Fool of Me"- Me'Shell Ndegeocello